Poop

Can you poop in public?

I can’t.

There is something about the whole process that just doesn’t seem very communal to me. The sounds, the concentration, the occasional grunt. It is simply something I don’t care to share with other people, let alone in the close proximity of complete strangers. Washing their hands while out to dinner celebrating great accomplishments, reuniting with old friends, or even beginning a new relationship, I feel like if I were to let it all go, I would literally be shittting on their experience, and who wants that?

I applaud those of you who can pull it off, though. Pants down, legs spread out as if reclining on a porcelain Lazy-Z-Boy, you exude a self-confidence I wish I could posses. I must admit, though, I am always shocked to learn of women who can poop in public. I know it’s horribly sexist and only confirms my status as a chauvinistic ass, but I feel like woman should never poop, let alone at Applebee’s Neighborhood Bar & Grill.

In our society, we are insistent on separating people into dichotomies: white or black, male or female, straight or gay, beer or wine. Not only are these labels inappropriate for our P.C. society, but they are also rather pointless. Just the other day I met a mixed race bisexual who although biologically male identifies as female and who suffers from such severe alcoholism – wonder where that need comes from– that she’ll drink anything. So you see, our ways of understanding and defining each other are quite antiquated.

Now before you pour yourself another big helping of granola and raise the freak flag, understand that I am not implying we should not label one another. How else could I understand my inherent superiority to others? No, we must brand each other with arbitrary markers, but I am merely suggesting we create new, more judicious ones.

I think the obvious place to start here is with pooping. When you consider it, where a person defecates says a lot about them. The municipal pooper knows no boundaries, lacks a certain refinement, either literally thinking their shit doesn’t stink or just simply not caring. Regardless, they display a sense of abandonment that might seem appealing on some hedonistic level, but cannot be tolerated in a civilized world.

By contrast, the private pooper is civic minded, recognizing that inconveniences must be embraced for the good of the community at large. Yes, we all do poop, but you don’t see me shaving my pubic hairs or fondling myself in public restrooms now do you?
The trivial divisions of a new millennium don’t stop here: those who find Sarah Jessica Parker attractive versus those who don’t; beauty icon or horse face? Your answer to that question reveals a lot.

One split that has been on my mind a lot recently is that of those who like talking on the phone versus those who don’t. The simple-minded and bigoted might think this is an obvious question of gender, but they lack true understanding of the 21st century mind frame. Representatives of women and men alike enjoy conversing on the phone. (Granted, these same men also enjoy pedicures and having things up their butt, but I celebrate that.)

I for one hate the phone. I despise it in fact. It is not that I do not love my friends and family; it’s just that I really don’t care. Understand, I am not an asshole. If you die or win a Nobel Peace Prize, please, by all means call and tell me. But when you phone to see “what’s up”, the answer is simple: nothing “is up” because I am on the fucking phone wasting time talking with you. I do not mean to sound heartless, but unless something monumental happened in your life, what’s the point of “catching up?”

“Yeah, nothing new here. Cancer has not spread past my lymph nodes, and they have still have not had to put me on a feeding tube..”

Yeah, super for you, but couldn’t all of that been said in a text message or holiday card? I mean, really.

Again, I am not trying to be callous, but if I have to go all day without shitting, the last thing I want to do when I come home is delay the process even more by discussing how grandma is still alive.

Just something to think about…..